A letter to my nosey loser neighbor.

Dear Sugartits,

You are a dramatic, overbearing, desperate loser and I loath your existence. Stop hating on my husband and I because we’re younger, smarter, more successful and financially secure than you and your husband. It’s not our fault that you both got stuck in management positions at Target and Albertson’s. It’s also not our fault that you can’t get your shit together to buy a house. In other words, stop sticking your nose in our business. I mean that literally and figuratively. Stop staring into out windows… one day you’re going to see something that you don’t want to see. Oh wait … you already have! Also, stop making my dog out to be a monster. He is a good dog, and you know it. Accidents happen. Besides, that kid and his parent knew better than to be near my LEASHED dog, so it’s his own fucking fault that he got bit. Yes, even though he is 3, it’s his own fucking fault. And what the fuck do you care anyway? He isn’t your child. And the landlord is not your family. Get a clue. Mind your own business. Or is your business so pathetic and boring that you chose to live vicariously through other people? Not only that, but you make up lies and create drama to entertain yourself? Nice job, lying about my dog attacking the gardener. He was trying to play with the gardener, and the gardener wasn’t even scared. See, when a dog is wagging it’s tail, that’s a sign that they are being playful. Interesting concept, I know. Bottom line Sweetheart, you better back off. I may come off sweet and easy to push around, but the reality is, is that I am your worst nightmare.

Toodles!

P.S.

Your hair could use a deep conditioner, and you really should stop smoking, those wrinkles are heinous.

Things that look like Robert Pattinson

This is Robert Pattinson

Here are some things that look like Robert Pattinson:

The blue creature from Avatar movie…

A frying pan…

I have my suspicions that Robert Pattinson works part-time as Kiera Knightley’s chest…

Stress Comes in 3’s

Right now, I am stressed. I have gotten over the initial stress where you act crazy and cry a lot. Now I am the kind of stressed where I am always tired, possibly getting sick from lack of sleep, and do not have time to do things that I enjoy because there are simply not enough hours in the day. That’s right, I took on three big things at once, which like milk on a hot day, was a bad choice!

Two weeks ago, I got a promotion at work, and accepted, Robb and I decided to move, and I started school. All of these events are actually really good things, just them happening all at once… not so much.

My promotion at work is awesome because: 1) I am getting a closer look at how the marketing world looks 2) It’s more challenging that my old position, and  3) I make more money (yay shoppping)!

Moving is awesome because: 1) We don’t live on base 2) We aren’t surrounded by high and tights 3) No PMO 4) Did I mention we don’t live on base?

Starting school is awesome because: My second degree is in progress.

And here is why all those things are heinous…

Promotion: 1) Learning a whole new position 2) It’s ungodly cold in the office 3) A lot of people as me dumb questions 3) Big Giant Babies

Moving: Moving straight up is the devil, and if you don’t think so, you have issues.

School: It takes fun time away. Mother fucker!

I am hoping that I will soon settle into a routine, and that I will find time for thing that I actually enjoy … like reading for fun, going to the gym, cleaning and decorating my new house , calling my friends and family (although that is a challenge because the service at our new house is horrible!)

Okay, you can start feeling sorry for me now.

Refugee Love Letters

Yesterday I received  a creepy email. It was sent through the contact section of my blog. It was from a woman “Angela” who prefers to refer to me as “Dearest One”. Angela finds my writing “romantic … which can only be expected from someone of great intelligence”. Well, Angela, you are right about one thing, I am highly intelligent, although I would disagree that my writing is romantic. In fact, I’d say it’s rough, and mildly offensive.

Angela then went on to tell me about how she is a refugee from the  Tutsi Tribe in Rwanda. Apparently her father was a doctor who used to manage the mining of blood diamonds, but he was poisoned by his co-worker. Thenher mother was savagely murdered, and that is how she became and orphan and a refugee. Mmmhmm … gotcha. Angela said that she is looking forward to learning more about me, my passions, hopes and dreams and hopes to hear from me soon. She promised to write back to tell me more lovely details about her life. 

Angela also included a picture, and it would seem that as a refugee she is doing well. Angela was sporting some classy gold hoops, and bling-ed out nose ring, and a super posh Dolce & Gabbana bag. Shit, I wanna be a refugee! 

I sincerely look forward to my next email from Angela, most likely asking me to send money.

By the way, if I was a refugee, I certainly would have more important things to do than read my blog. Just sayin’.

Creepy X10

Does anyone remember Tina Chen? You know, myspace.com/tinaecmusic or youtube.com/user/tinaecmusic?  Well a little over a year ago, she had an Essay contest. Basically the idea was to write an essay/make a video about how awesome Tina is, and she would pick 3 winners. The winners would be lucky enough to have Tina write a song about them. I happened to be one of the three winners. Unfortunately it took Tina FOREVER to write a song about me. Today Tina finally sent me the link to my song, and uhm … it’s super creepy. In fact, I kind of wish I never won the contest. 

Here is the link: http://s50.photobucket.com/albums/f313/brianlittrellfanforever/?action=view&current=IMG_0001.jpg

 Apparently my smile is Heaven though…

Victory

Victory is mine! 

If you read my blog on a regular basis, you should be familiar with my community gym situation. If not, please read: Bringing Your Kid to the Gym = Fail  and Double FAIL . It won’t take that long, I promise, and it will help you understand why victory is now mine

Okay, so now that you’ve caught yourself up … 

I wrote a complaint letter to the Regional Property Manager of Lincoln Military Housing. Not to brag or anything, but my letter was fabulous. Check it out  

I would like to submit a complaint regarding an employee by the name of Amy. She works _______________.

Today, June 30, 2009 I called the Mountain District Office with a concern about the Fitness Center. The past few times that I have attempted to use the facility, it has been overrun with an abundance of children. Today I found a baby wedged between a running treadmill and halfway on an elliptical that I had intentions to use. Other times that I have attempted to use the facility I have found children as young as 4 playing on treadmills, playing with weights and running amuck. I realize that I live in a military community and that there are a lot of children, but I find it incredibly dangerous for children to be playing in the area. Furthermore I find it incredibly inconsiderate of the parents who bring their young children into the fitness center, especially since there is a sign on the door that states no persons under the age of 14 are permitted in the fitness center. As I expressed my concerns to Amy, her tone with me became very hostile and rude. She accused me of not being sensitive to families and suggested that I hate children. She kept repeating that, “This is a family community”. I acknowledge that this is a family community, and I also acknowledge that rules are meant to be followed. The rules are clearly not being followed at the Mountain District Fitness Center. I said this to Amy, who in a very short manner said, “Technically that sign means that kids can be in there as long as they are with a parent.” I didn’t argue with her that the sign reads differently, but I did ask her if that gives parents the right to let their children run wild, and if it gives parents the right to place their newborns on fitness equipment. I also asked her what Lincoln Military’s response would be if said children were to get hurt? “Well that’s just the parents fault.” I told Amy that I found this unacceptable, and that I found it dangerous, and that it made me nervous having to work out around children. Amy said my statement was unfair, to which I replied, “I am a member of this community as well, but I can’t use the fitness center because of people being inconsiderate. How is that fair? How is it fair to the parents who get babysitters?” She then told me that everyone couldn’t get a babysitter. I didn’t argue, even though I am aware that there is free childcare available for military spouses.

 I am writing this email with two objectives:

 My first objective is to bring awareness to the activities in the fitness center. I do not dislike children, in fact I think they are great. I do however dislike sloppy parenting. I have no problem with children in the fitness area, so long as they are away from equipment and occupied. Perhaps there could be a designated area in the fitness center for children. Otherwise, I do not think it is a good idea for them to be in there, as it is dangerous and not fair to those who truly want to utilize the facility.

 My second objective is to see that my complaint against Amy is not taken with a grain of salt. My husband and I pay $1600+ in BAH monthly, and being treated in the manner that Amy treated me is unacceptable. I pay to live here, I am a member of this community, and that makes me a customer. Nothing is more appalling than horrible customer service. I am utterly disappointed and disgusted by the rude and accusatory tone Amy displayed, and I would like to know that something is being done about this situation.

 

Thank you for you time,

Lorena Davis-Hoogsteden

And the outcome of my super awesome complaint letter…

This awesome letter posted on all the doors in the neighborhood. Rules and Regulations for the gym …Nice!

So Robb and I go to pick up our gym cards and and sign the rules and regulations and guess who we have helping us? My good “friend” Amy! Hahaha! She was nice to us until we handed over our I.D.’s and she realized who we were. The look on her face was priceless, I wish I could have taken a picture.She was sooo pissed! I LOVE IT! I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I LOOOOOVE IT!

I win!

…Facebook…

I finally gave in and re-opened my Facebook account. Basically because Facebook is cool again, and since I have a fascination with social media, I need to stay on top of things. I still hate Facebook with a passion. It’s too wordy and I hate all those invites on there. Really? Stop sending me invites! That goes for you Chad Marsh! I will admit that I probably hate Facebook because I don’t know how to use it, and I never took the time to figure it out. OR because I have more important things to do rather than play on Facebook. I just said that to make myself feel better. 

My mom’s friend Melissa found me on Facebook though, and that is pretty cool because we used to hang out with her and her kids all the time back in the day. It’s always interesting reuniting with people from your childhood. It makes me want to draw pictures of mermaids and watch The Purple People Eater.

Gently used Erotic Chair for a Good Home…

I’m not quite sure why I didn’t blog about this sooner. Pendleton Yard  Sales is probably one of the most amazing and entertaining things ever. For those of you not lucky enough to experience military life (that was a big heaping pile of sarcasm BTW), let me explain to you this glorious machine that is Pendleton Yard Sales. 

Pendleton Yard Sales, or http://www.pendeltonyardsales.com is like Craigslist, but for Camp Pendleton. You can buy and sell and trade anything on there. When I say anything, I mean ANYTHING, including friendships and erotic sex chairs that have been gently used. 

The first time that Robb and I encountered PYS we were looking for a pub style dining room table and chairs in the furniture section. That’s when we encountered the gently used erotic chair that was looking for a good home, because the current owners didn’t have room for it in their living room anymore as they just bought a new living room set. Isn’t that sweet? They wanted to make sure their gently cum stained chair would be passed on to a loving couple. I didn’t take a shot of the article, but it read something like this: Gently used Erotic Chair in need of a good home. Only used twice. We bought it for $600.00, but need to get rid of it because we just bought a new living room set and have no room for it Will sell for $75.00 OBO to a good home. Haha, “a good home” as if it’s a beloved pet or something. Scruffy needs a good home, your sex chair … not so much. 

Funnier and sufficiently more awkward than the sex chairs, are the “Looking for a friend” listings in the FREE section. I understand the loneliness that can come with being a military spouse. Moving across the country onto a military base can be stressful, especially if you don’t know anyone. Friendship can become and urgency, as cell phone bills run high from calling home all the time in an attempt to have some form of human contact. When your husband asks you what you did all day, you suddenly realize that you cleaned the house 4 times and watched a shit ton of reality TV! In fact, you can relate to the woe’s of Holly Madison of The Girls Next Door, and feel like you and she have a real connection. Then a lightbulb goes off and you’re like,, “OMG you fucking need a life and friends!” I have been there and it’s sad, but it’s never sad enough to beg for friends on the internet. Begging for friends on the internet is more or less asking weirdos to find you. For example, weirdo’s like me who will curiously blog about your meek attempts at normalizing yourself. Even worse, you could expose yourself to crazy people. Ever heard of the Craigslist killer? Just because it’s a military base doesn’t mean there aren’t crazy people out there, shit, there are people here trying to sell gently used sex chairs. That’s is pretty damn crazy if you ask me! I also wouldn’t recommend posting your MySpace and Facebook URL’s. Really? Bad idea, and I shouldn’t have to explain why. I’d have to say that my favorite part about Pendleton Yard sales is that it’s all about family values and taking it easy. So much so that Pendleton Yard Sales is closed on Sundays. That’s right, you can’t find friends or sex chairs, or dining room tables on Sundays. It’s a day of rest, where families should come together and not bother with such trivial concerns. I think that is just darling All hail Pendleton Yard Sales!

Maybe I do hate children and families…

I’m starting to think that maybe the twat in the housing office is correct. Maybe I do hate children and families. Today we went to a screening of Harry Potter on base. It was packed, and I expected that. Somehow, I still had faith that the idiots that I am forced to associate with as peers, would have the common courtesy to leave there infant aged offspring at home. Haha … I was wrong. They brought their little shits to the movie. Why would you bring a baby to an almost 4 hour movie with loud noises? I am aware that most of these people were raised in barns, but come on! Come on! You don’t bring babies to movies. You just don’t. And really, it isn’t the babies fault, it’s the 18 year old mothers fault. Note to sexually active teen girls who date men in the military: KEEP YOUR FUCKING LEGS CLOSED.

That’s all.

Daniel Radcliff you are Froto with a wand.

I think…

Robert Pattinson and Meagan Fox should hook up. They both seem like uber douche-bags and I think they’d make a fine couple.